|My miscarriage doodle|
It's been a really shit few months. I don't always show it on here, Twitter, Facebook or wherever. But it has been rough. Rough few months. Rough year. Rough few years.
But of course there has been plenty of joy.
But right now...
My friend said I wouldn't be able to write this post without some humour as that's not me. Well, she's about to be proved wrong! :) I've done it before - good old PTSD days! Ahhh the memories.
So here goes: humour-free zone. You have been warned. Hell, you were warned by the title. Can't be much clearer can it?
I've always had issues with my periods. I was on the pill at 13 because it started off badly. I've always suffered with hormones and I think that's what sent me haywire as a teen. Suddenly I just wasn't me anymore. I was put on Prozac at 16. I believe my issues were related back to my hormones - nothing else. I also think that's what caused the Hyperemesis for me, and possibly an inability to carry full term.
Whatever causes it I've always had this joyous cross to bear and I've never really stopped. It's just that they reached a level where I finally had to do something. They say that women who have bad cycles often see some improvement after having a baby - mine have gotten worse.
I may have had a miscarriage (maybe even a couple) before I had my daughter. I don't know for sure, but I suspect. I certainly have had two since, confirmed with multiple pregnancy tests - as you do. I've never written about it on here, and some people probably think that I shouldn't. But I'm explaining what has gotten me to this stage. The stage where I felt that my last option was to have a Merina Coil fitted in a bid to avoid 'the nuclear option'. I have tried pills, hormone injections, everything. With varying degrees of awful effect.
The Merina coil didn't work. Apparently it's rare, according to my doctor (though not so much from what I've seen on the Internet). But my body has unequivocally rejected the foreign body in my womb. It rejected at least two conceived embryos, and it has violently rejected this coil. And when I say violently, I mean it. I have had 8 weeks of labour pain contractions as my body has tried to eject the 'invader' in the same way it tries to propel a baby down the birth canal at approximately 40 weeks - or 26 to 27 weeks if you are me.
The contractions were of course on and off, sometimes worse than others, but almost every day. I was already anaemic. But the pain was truly exhausting. One night it lasted 5 hours (not for the first time), but was so intense I nearly called an ambulance. If I hadn't known what it was I would think I was having a baby without knowing I'd been pregnant (as can happen). That bad. I came close to passing out in public on a number of occasions, and I had a panic attack in Tesco for the first time since I got over the PTSD.
When the doctor went to take it out it fell into his hand as soon as my cervix was opened (apologies for the gruesome imagery). He said it would have been out on it's own in a week or two.
"It really hasn't been a success with you" he said, sympathetically, yet smiling - because naturally I had been making light and nervous jokes, just as I did when I was in shock and giving birth to my premature daughter.
No, a success it most definitely had not been.
So... next course of action. Probably a hysterectomy for you, he said. Nicely. He said it nicely. But hearing it, well, it's not the nicest thing, is it? It will be the only way to solve the problems, and if your family history with hormone-related breast cancer is as bad as you think it is then it might be wise.
I have spoken to my mum and it is. So I have some thinking to do and some choices to make. Do I continue with the painful 21-24 day cycles (with spotting and pain in the middle) or do I put an end to it? Do I risk keeping my womb and ovaries when I likely cannot carry a child past 6 weeks, let alone past the 6 months mark? Do I risk it when I know that it could lead to breast or ovarian cancer, due to my genetic disposition?
I genuinely did want a second child. People tell me it wasn't meant to be.... That I am lucky to have the one I had.... That a second pregnancy would result in Hyperemesis again - I know it, the exhaustions and nausea as early as 4 weeks was one way I knew I was pregnant before I miscarried a week or two later.... That if I had another premature labour I might not get such a good outcome...
I know all of this. My head knows that this is all likely correct.
But I just don't know. So final. A hysterectomy. Logically it makes sense, but in my heart... well, you can imagine...
I'm so busy and unwell that now wouldn't even be a good time. But still, a hysterectomy is a big thing. Operation. Recovery. Don't lift shopping bags. Don't put your child in bed. Don't do housework. Don't exercise. Don't do anything.
And I don't want any of that.
I have one last thing to try. A radical change of diet and the elimination of anything that can throw a woman off balance.
Wish me luck, please.