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Immediately this alerts me to the fact that I may think slightly differently to 80-85% of the population, and that would explain many things. It has to be said that I'm also very good at hitting the long odds (which is why I keep attempting the Euro Lottery every once in a while), so I don't find this particularly surprising. I'm just that one in a million kinda girl!
I've always thought about things a little too much, spent too much time inside my head, more often in a past (or future!) moment than in the present and fretted endlessly on whether or not I have unwittingly offended someone with some throwaway words the recipient probably forgot as soon as they heard them - particularly as I possess a particularly potent lack of tact on occasion (I'm getting better!) and failing to think before I speak (again, I'm trying...). It's great that I can be so quick-witted (definitely helped in the classroom), but oh the anguish afterwards....
Due to probably over-processing what is said to me in return, I have no doubt dwelled far too long on slights real or imagined and been hurt as a result. That is not to give the misconception that being a HSP is simply being over-sensitive to criticism or blunt words, Aron is quick to dispel that notion. The temperament has its complexities but is in part [having a] sensitive nervous system, is aware of subtleties in his/her surroundings, and is more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment.
So it's not just an over-sensitivity to conflict or criticism, it's a sensitivity to over-stimulation in general and this makes total sense to me. No one who's ever worked with me in recent years can fail to have noticed the red blotches I often get on my skin when I've had either too much caffeine or too much stress (or both, more often than not). I could not have been more chilled out last night when I started sipping a hot chocolate drink, only to find my neck turning a fetching shade of beetroot red - and even worse last week when the coffee rash was accompanied by a banging headache and a vague feeling of nausea. I also get this when I'm too hot and when I drink most types of alcohol, incidentally - a great look for one so pale.
Even when I was a young girl I would hate loud noises, especially arguing, and no my parents didn't really argue much when I was young. I still hate it now, even if I am sometimes guilty of raising my voice a little when I've been irked beyond belief (poor husband). If Babyzoid whines or cries for too long, in my head I'm screaming "stop it! Stop it! Please stop!" (thankfully in my head it stays, usually *cough* - mum on the edge alert!) and deep breaths are needed. My husband shouting out at the football or those blasted shooting games which find me sitting in what sounds like the middle of a war zone (the sounds of mortar shelling are NOT conducive to a relaxing evening) is like nails on a blackboard to me. I'm really bothered by it. I love loud music on occasion, but I just need a lot of silent spells in my day, or I get pretty distressed.
But what has struck a chord with me is actually the positives in being a HSP.
It's so easy to dwell on the negatives of being a wee bit delicate (it is of course, a given that you will!) but there are some brilliant positives, one of which which I briefly mentioned in my Thankful Third Thursday post last week, that being the gift of empathy.
I always assumed that everyone picked up on the subtle nuances of a look here, a discreet bit of body language there. Of course, most people do to some extent, but I have always picked up on it more acutely then almost anyone else I have known. I'm also extremely adept in sensing when things are not quite right or someone is uncomfortable. I knew it back in the classroom. As soon as eyes glazed at some theoretical explanation or, well, I'm not even sure what exactly alerted me, but something always did. It was always very useful in that situation and I could attempt to stop speaking Chinese at my students.
Like I say, I assumed everyone picked up on these unspoken signals but chose not to really pay them much mind. If there was tension in a room, I thought others were far better at just ignoring it, whereas I never could. It's great that I can at least be aware enough to try and correct such a situation, except of course if it is beyond my control. But rather than worrying, sensitive types such as myself need to take positive steps to prevent emotional or psychological damage by over-dwelling, or rumination. Being aware is the first step, and as they say, practice makes perfect. Rather than suppressing emotion, it would be more healthy to say 'This is the case, it's not good, but there is nothing I can do about it. And that's okay!' The psychotherapist I saw when I was diagnosed with PTSD taught me that nugget, and I think it's excellent advice for anyone, especially the HSP.
Speaking of PTSD, I have to wonder that being as HSP's tend to over-process, would there perhaps be a greater propensity for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Bad enough a trauma for someone who processes and moves on, but if the natural tendency to over-think is suppressed then perhaps there is a greater likelihood of the intrusive flashbacks that affect nearly every PTSD sufferer. It would be interesting to find out (and a quick Google search reveals that I'm not the first person to make the link).
So what about coping with those interactions with others that so often wound the HSP? Well, for me there are some people I will always struggle with - those who don't ever consider (or care) how their words will impact, or people with a complete lack of empathy which manifest itself in being unable to look past the 'what does this mean for me'? I have to add to that that lacking in empathy doesn't always lead to this type of disregard and it is no doubt a minority of those who possess little or no empathic awareness. Indeed I received a comment from a lovely lady and fellow blogger who said that she would love to have this ability but her aspie tendencies mean she rarely can tell what other's are thinking. Even though I do not know this person in real life, she still exudes kindness and warmth in her writing and interactions. Indeed it might even be possible that some who seem to exude a harsh lack of empathy actually are empathetic, but choose to act as if they are not, perhaps as a self-defence mechanism or just pure selfishness for whatever reason (we all know people like that, unfortunately).
But back to how to cope, again, it's how you choose to react to situations that govern how big an impact being HSP will make on your life. For instance I long ago learned to not take things personally in the professional setting. And if I ever do, because no one is of course infallible, I have to actively process the interaction and come to a resolution where I can draw a line under it and see if there is anything positive I can take from it. The same should be true of my interactions in a personal sense, but that of course is always going to be a work in progress while I try to balance the burdens of being HSP with the precious positives.
I'd love to hear from both people who think they might be highly sensitive, or perhaps regularly interact with someone they believe to be. How do you/they cope? What positive methods do you/they employ?
For more information on being highly sensitive, check out Dr Aron's excellent research on the Highly Sensitive Person website.
