Reiki - stress reduction and relaxation

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Today I went to a Reiki healer. Reiki is a Japanese technique for relieving stress and other ailments through use of a strange phenomena call 'Reiki energy'. This form of energy is apparently our 'life force', so said the leaflet telling me all about what to expect. You can't see this life force energy but if it found by the Reiki master to be low then we are likely to be stressed, ill or both.

I went with my mother in law (to be) who told me she'd had several Reiki sessions with different masters, including one in France who she said was amazing. She hasn't been to this lady before, but had heard she is calming and effective. I'd like to say I went with an open mind but that would be lying as anyone who witnessed this morning's tweets would know. I went thinking that it was going to be a load of rubbish, that this woman was probably a charlatan and that I wouldn't feel any relief other than a lighter purse.

So how did it go? Well... We were taken to the upstairs of her lovely home into a designated Reiki sanctuary. It was very pleasingly decorated with her qualifications, crystals, buddhas and other complimentary decor. As my mother in law was going first I was instructed to stretch out on the big comfy sofa and relax. I was determined not to but I compromised by lifting my legs onto the settee and accepting a Fox's Glacier Fruit, which I sucked as quietly as possible. Other than that I remained as rigid as a board while the lady ran her hands up and down mother in law. Her hands weren't touching MIL's body, they were several inches above. I thought it all looked very silly and spent this time surveying the room looking for any heat sources that would explain the hot feeling that you're supposed to get. The Reiki master correctly identified MIL's troubled joints and the verdict was that she was very good.

Then it was my turn. I laid down and instantly needed the toilet. Not a good start! The room was pretty cold. I got vaguely comfy but couldn't relax. Strangely, even though I had my eyes closed and she wasn't touching me I could often tell where her hands were as I felt a bizarre heat encircling my head and pushing down on my temples. I also felt tingling down my right hand side. Because of my aversion to relaxation I really struggled with just lying there and I felt like a frozen plank of wood. I had voices yelling in my head refusing to let me relax. This sounds kind of mentally deranged I guess, but I felt like screaming "STOP!" at various points as I didn't want to give in. Eventually I relaxed a little if not completely.

Mother in law was told that although she had a few physical issues that demanded the Reiki energy, she had a lovely energy over all. The verdict on me? I was a little troublesome. She told me that physically I was in good shape *glows with pride* aside from the fact that my right knee was 'grabbing her attention'. I had completely forgotten but this knee has always been a little stiff and creaky. Impressive. Then she told me that she did a lot of brain work on me as my energy suggested I might be struggling mentally or emotionally. Again, impressive. Were my black clothes and pale complexion a give away? She didn't know anything about me prior to this so it was uncanny how she identified my 'needs'. She specified that the right side of my brain seemed a little more troubled though clarified that she didn't mean there was something wrong with my brain (phew!). Again this was spot on because my vision has been blurred mainly in my right eye since my Citalopram dosage increase. It is also the side I get migraines on.

So in conclusion, I will go again and this time a little more willingly. The lady was very empathic and skilled at her craft and departed differently from the scornful scoff-monkey who went there expecting nothing. As she said, if you feel the need for help in learning to relax then what harm can it do? Have to say that I can't argue with that!

Supporting people with depression

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Depression is a horrible illness. It can strike when you are not expecting it and it can be virtually impossible to recover from without help. Every person's depression is different, there is no common garden variety. But whether it comes in the form of clinical depression, Post Natal Depression (PND), or the kind that often accompanies Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) it will likely have symptomatic similarities. In terms of the physical effects of depression it reduces the sufferers energy and causes fatigue making it difficult to carry out simple day to day tasks, such as cleaning the house, doing the school run, completing the grocery shop, or engaging in social activities. It can be completely debilitating which makes having the energy and willpower to get better difficult. As a current sufferer who has started out on the road to recovery I can't speak for all depression sufferers but I can offer a little insight into how they are feeling and how you might support them. Since I acknowledged my own condition I have experienced both welcome and unwelcome responses from friends and family members. I have no doubt in my mind that all meant well and had my best interests at heart, but dealing with a depression sufferer is like negotiating a mine field. It is littered with danger and the results can be mentally catastrophic for both of you. I am writing this blog post to try and shed some light on the inner workings of the depressed person's mind and how you can best offer support. One thing you must never forget is that this is an illness, a disease. There is a chemical imbalance in the brain, no matter what type of depression is at hand.

How the depressed person is feeling

Overreactions
Obviously the sufferer is feeling very low. When you are feeling like this you will often lose all sense of perspective. Matters that may seem trivial can take on huge significance and cause massive friction. Leaving the milk out of the fridge isn't going to kill anyone, but there may be what you would deem an overreaction when normally it would be shrugged off.

Reduced emotional intelligence
That is not to say that the sufferer has become less intelligent than before, but that they may be regressing to an almost childlike emotional state. Suddenly there are no shades of grey and everything becomes black and white. Forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning on your way home might in their mind become an indication that you no longer love them or don't care about their wellbeing. It is irrational to the well person, but to someone in the grip of depression it is a lack of perspective that they will probbaly beat themselves up for later. Once they realise their behaviour it will reinforce the negative feelings they have about themselves.

Self-esteem
They know they are ill but cannot seem to do anything about it. It may be that they have thought negatively about depressed people they have known and are now thinking in the same way about themselves. Self-esteem will be extremely poor and they may even worry that they are losing their grip on reality. The depressed person with poor self-esteem may lash out at those around them. They will be unable to control this and often don't mean what they are saying. This will add to their spiral of worthlessness and self-loathing.

Loved ones
Even if they cannot show their appreciation of your support they will feel it. It may be that they lurch from emotional overgratitude to self-pitying indifference, but they do need support and they know it. They just can't always express it.

What you can do to help?

Understand that YOU cannot cure them
They can be cured, they want to be cured, but unless you are a GP or a phsychologist you alone cannot solve their depression. One of the worst things you can do is try and persuade them that it is their perspective that is wrong and they can will themselves to be better. If they could, they would have done so already. Platitudes such as "look on the bright side" or "life is full of ups and downs" are also unwelcome and you are likely to find yourself on the receiving end of a tongue-lashing. Worse still you reinforce in their mind that they are useless for being unable to 'snap out of it'. Also, do not be tempted to tell them that you understand what they are going through. Unless you have suffered depression then you can't. We have all experienced the blues, but depression is different. You will lose all credibility with them if you are not completely honest. There is no harm in admitting that you don't know what they are going through but will support them in any way you can.

Listen
Be supportive and simply listen. By all means give advice if you are asked, but try to do this in a way that is neutral and offers possible options, rather than telling them what they should do. Sometimes it is enough for the sufferer to be able to unload some of their worries and burdens. It gives them a temporary release, like relieving a pressure valve, but remember that this positive effect will be temporary. Depression is a rollercoaster. Do not be frustrated or offended when they retreat back into their black fog. Just continue to be there for when they need to talk.

Encourage them to seek help
This should be approached with caution but if depression lasts more than a few weeks then medical and psychological intervention are probably required. They may feel stigmatised by being diagnosed with depression, but like the alcoholic, admitting that you have a problem is the first step on the road to recovery. Chances are they may not only need medication to correct the chemical brain imbalance, they may need therapy also. This can come in several forms such as cunselling or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). They may also need time away from work as stress will only exacerbate the depression. If they struggle with ordinary tasks within the home they will most certainly struggle with maintaining focus at work. It will not take their mind off their troubles and will only reinfoce their low sense of self-worth as they become less able to cope.

Safeguard your own health and happiness
One of the worst things for the depressive is feeling that they are letting everyone down and spreading misery. The reality is that being around the depressed person is not easy. They will probably pick more fights than usual, they will seem to want to wallow, they certainly aren't fun to be around much of the time. Don't take any of this personally and try not to react. At the same time you will also need a means of letting off steam. It is not only recommended that the sufferer gets exercise when they are up to it, but you should also. Unfortunately you are going to have to be the adult, emotionally speaking. This means that you also will need a support network, but be subtle. Confide in a friend or family member by all means, but it's probably best to keep this away from the sufferer as they may become paranoid.

There are probably lots more gems of advice out there on the Internet for sufferers and their friends and family. This is my perspective and I am not qualified either medically or in a phsychology sense. I have done a bit of research but I am a current sufferer so these are my views. There will be other perspectives and other ways of supporting those with depression. Feel free to leave tips, advice or insights in the comments section below.

The Weight Debate (Bee in the Beadzoid bonnet)

Firstly, this is a post to replace the one that was posted yesterday on the same topic. I felt I didn't do the debate justice, and as only 4 people read it anyway I figured it was ok to re-write :)

I've read a surprising number of blog comments and posts this week about the skinny vs curvy debate. Not sure where it's come from (panic about transitioning from a winter to summer wardrobe, perhaps?) but I thought I'd add my two-pennethworth in spite of a fear of getting shot down in flames (more likely no one will read this).

So the curvy woman is fighting back - good on her. The size 0 trend that spilled into real life from Hollywood was indeed sickening. As a mother who has joined a family where inlaws feel it's ok to comment when anyone so much as eats a biscuit or puts on a pound, I feel very strongly about this. I am determined that my daughter will have a healthy body image - but that doesn't just mean trying to instill in her that she doesn't need to be whippet thin, but also that she doesn't go the other way. Now the happy medium has a pretty big area in which to settle into a healthy body shape. I'm a size 8, but have also been a size 6 (teaching is stressful!) and I have been a size 10 in my teens and for a year post-pregnancy - I realise I'm at the smallest end of the spectrum. I eat quite healthily, but I also eat chocolate most days, for my sins. I don't eat huge portions, but I eat what I want. I'm a big McDonalds and Chinese takeaway fan but see these indulgnces as a treat. And that is healthy. I come from a small family and at 5'5 I'm the tallest person in it.

So it's ok to celebrate curves, but I kind of feel that the 'other side' needs representing as well. We can't all have Jessica Rabbit-like proportions and very few women do, but I can't help but feel slightly annoyed at those who go too far and denounce women who are slim as being so rubbish that their partners will end up cheating on them with curvier women. I also take (faint) exception to the sneering at bodies like Katy Perry's who apparently don't have curves. What is Katy Perry's crime? For looking damned fine and saying publicly that she's happy with her curves. And you know what, she has got curves, maybe not as many as some, but they are there and they look good. Katy is right to feel confident about her far from stick-thin body and has as much right as anyone to say that she feels good. After all isn't that what women in this debate claim? That we should celebrate all shapes and sizes? Or should that be all shapes and sizes as long as they don't make us feel inferior? Nobody would dream of sneering at a curvy woman's photograph in the same way that is apparently acceptable of slim celebrities. So why is ok in reverse?

You see half the time I don't think the fashion designers and press are the main problem, I think us women are. We compare ourselves to each other and often find ourselves lacking. Slim women do this too, but unless we are really horrible people we don't make unkind comments about those who have a bit more meat on their bones. I certainly wouldn't dream of it because I genuinely DO believe that women are beautiful in all shapes and sizes. I didn't diet to get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes and probably wouldn't be in them now were it not for a bout of food poisoning and some depression. I personally don't feel 'beautiful' as such, but I'm fairly comfortable in my own skin in spite of my self-pronounced flaws. And I think that if all women were to stop looking each other up and down, this whole debate would disappear. Anorexia is not healthy, but neither is obesity. We are our own worst enemies and we just do not need to build our own self esteem by knocking down others.

PTSD therapy - make yourself cry!

I've written several times about how I've been suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of a scary premature labour and birth. I've also mentioned how I have taken the step to seek help from my GP, who has prescribed me Citalopram and referred me to a trauma counsellor.

I've only had 2 sessions so far but I can see light at the end of the tunnel already. Everything the counseller says makes sense and talking about how I've been feeling does seem to help. The flashbacks have certainly decreased in terms of frequency and intensity, although in their place I've seen a return of the insomnia and the distressing nightmares when I actually do manage to get some sleep. I've also developed a slightly blurred vision, which is causing some pretty bad headaches along with heightened anxiety and the odd panic attack. I'm assuming these symptoms are a result of my dosage increase to 40mg Citalopram tablets so I will be mentioning these to the GP at my check-up next week.

Now, when I last saw my counsellor she assigned me homework. I was to read the leaflet she gave me on PTSD (done) and re-read my birth trauma story every day noting my anxiety levels on a scale of 1 to 10 (errr). I did this twice and found it distressing, obviously. But instead of persevering I've been making like an ostrich and burying my head in the sand. I haven't re-read my story in nearly a week. Oops! I can see the logic in this approach to healing, but I'm kind of enjoying the levelling out that effect the Citalopram has given me (in spite of the visual disturbances) so I'm loth to upset the apple cart and deliberately distress myself.

I guess this is the PTSD equivalent of putting that diet off 'til tomorrow, and the next day, and the next... I know it has to be done, but why do today what you can put off 'til tomorrow? Seems that in order to make myself better again I must make myself relive the trauma over and over until I become desensitised to it. Then I will be taking control. The flashbacks invade my mind when I don't want to remember. They force me to think when I don't want to. By saying, actually I'm going to think about you NOW, the trauma loses it's power a little. It loses the element of surprise. I know this makes sense, so today I resolve to re-read my trauma every day until my next counselling session, no matter how hard it gets. After all, I'd hate to have to hold my hand up and say "I'm sorry, I didn't do my homework".

Joined at my hip - dependant babies

I have a bit of a problem with Babyzoid and it's of my own making. I always thought I'd be one of those mums who was loving, but quite strict and good with boundaries. In some respects I am, but I think that I was somewhat hijacked by the immense feelings of loss, failure and fear I have had since my daughter was born at 27 weeks gestation. See, I had her then I was not able to be her main carer for 78 days while she gained her strength in the NICU and SCBU. I was a parent, but I wasn't. It was a very strange experience looking back.

So when she came home I was very attentive. In the NICU I had been conditioned to panic every time those awful monitors hooked up to my baby's incubator would beep. Does she need extra oxygen? Is she getting too hot? Does this all indicate she needs another blood transfusion? Yes, I was very attentive, just the way I had been in the hospital. As soon as Babyzoid cried, I leapt up to meet her requirements. I got her milk AS SOON AS she asked for it. I'd pick her up as soon as she cried. Often frustrated by the delays in the excellent but overworked nurses seeing to her back in hospital, I was determined that she would have my full attention and not have to wait for anything. As soon as she pooped in her nappy it would be changed (and then invariably changed again as she hadn't actually finished).

And this carried on, and on, and on. My partner says I'm too soft, and he's right, though he's the one who gives her a biscuit to keep her going once she's announced she's hungry ahead of schedule!!!

Thing is, it's wearing me out as she has become so demanding. I love her and I don't want her to feel that she hasn't got my full attention, but she demands it every waking minute of her day. And I'm so so tired. Fat chance that I would be allowed to neglect her for my blogging and tweeting like that bloggermum in the Daily Mail accused us all of. No chance, Babyzoid is really loving her Mummy at the moment, she wants constant interraction and she cries if I am not within a metre of her. I am physically exhausted at the end of every day and I am at a loss as to how to help her regain a little bit of independence. It's so difficult. I know that deep down I feel like she must have been born the way she was because I failed in some way (hello Hyperemesis) even though this is illogical. And I know that each and every one of you (along with my mother!) would say 'don't be stupid! There was nothing you could have done' but logic and a traumatised insomniac mind don't easily co-exist.

I just know that just like you can't live life at 100mph forever (not without a few bloody good holidays a year) so you can't be focused on baby to the exclusion of all else 24/7. Or can you? Is the baby or toddler who can occasionally keep themselves amused an unobtainable myth or am I really just crap at coping?

Post of the week: Hail to the Toddler (WaterbirthPlease)

Ella from Notes From Home has requested that we all nominate a post of the week by a fellow blogger. Same as every week I've read lots of great posts, some which have made me smile, some that have made me laugh out loud, some which have made me tear up, and some which I've found interesting and informative. But for me the post which has stood out this week has been Minty from waterbirthplease's 'Hail to the Toddler!' It made me think, it made me smile (bra on the head, great image!)and it was heartwarming (toddler melts stern grey banker). I just loved this post for not only being humourous and well written, but for it's poignant last few lines where Minty laments how we all forget the wonders of being a child and how we should perhaps take a leaf out of the toddler's brightly coloured notebook.

I don't do this post justice here, so go ahead and read it for yourself!

Link to Hail to the Toddler!

Movie Meme - District 9

Like many bloggers I took great delight in taking part in a Listography that asked for your top 5 movies. However, like some fellow films buffs I found this rather difficult as I have probably 10-15 movies that I find it really hard to choose between. I felt proud of 3 of my 5 choices, but felt that the other 2 were there because I wanted to show my appreciation for films which contain brilliant soundtracks. I was therefore really excited when Metal Mummy discussed on Twitter the prospect of starting her own movie meme. "Count me in!" I said, mouth-a-watering.

So with the 1st week being a pretty wide '21st century film' theme we would be hard-pressed not to feel we could join in. As I read the category Metal Mummy had chosen I immediately thought "Inception!", as did a few other peeps judging by the comments. However, Metal Mummy nabbed this for herself (Meme proprietor's prerogative!) so I had to think again - which is a good thing as I had already included Inception in my Listography post. Therefore, I've gone with a film that I watched on a *whispers warily* pirate copy (ripped off my sisters hard drive) and was expecting nothing from. I didn't even know what it was about before we hit play and indeed I still wasn't sure half an hour into the film but it was a really good find.

Google images


Looking at film reviews since I have discovered that it was indeed nominated for 4 Oscars, not bad for a low budget Sci-fi flick set in South Africa (complete with South African accents). I have no idea how popular District 9 actually became, but it scores very highly on the IMDB and reviewers regularly score it 9 or 10 out of 10.

The film itself is set in 2010 but has it that an alien spacecraft came in to Johannesburgh airspace almost 30 years prior. The sickly aliens arrived in desperation and were initially welcomed into the city after being helped off their aircraft and given food and shelter. However, the South African government confined and restricted them to what soon became a slum area, not unlike pre-Mandela (and post for all I know) black townships. The film starts in a mocumentary style as it follows a petty beaurocrat (the film's central character) who is charged with heading the task force assigned to relocating the aliens to a new district. Without giving away any of the plot it inevitably goes a bit pear-shaped and turns into a quite the sci-fi thriller, and a film which I find hard to compare to any other. It does however have the low budget indie-cool feel of Cloverfield about it (hand-held camera's), but is a far better film and has much more to say. In terms of the idiocy of beaurocracy it is brilliantly observed and the main character could be any jobsworth in any section of the civil service. More interesting though it revisits that great historic shame of South Africa, apartheid, but with aliens the target of prejudice and segragation this time instead of black people.

It's a film that will make you think, even if it's only to go "well that was different!" and I thoroughly recommend it if you can stomach the odd gory effect and want to watch something that isn't just the usual Hollywood fayre. In spite of the subject matter it is pretty entertaining and the aliens are pretty cool considering the film's low budget. It's definitely a film I would have been perfectly happy to pay for and indeed will be looking out for a low-priced DVD copy as it's one that I am sure I will one day watch again.

Also, don't forget to check out the rest of the movie choices on Metal Mummy's blog

Music I want my kids to listen to - Radiohead

That's right, Radiohead. What, you want your daughter to be a whiny moping depressive I hear you say? To that I would reply, you are missing the point dear, you are missing the point. Radiohead have arguably written the most groundbreaking albums of the last 25 years with The Bends, OK Computer and Kid A/Amnesiac. Lyrically and musically they've taken over Morrissey and Marr's mantle and taken flight. There's a reason their lead guitarist Jonny Greenwood was made Composer in Residence for the BBC.

Now I love Radiohead, obviously, but this hasn't always been the case. I loved them when Creep came out in 1992, though I didn't really know much more about them until I saw them support REM on their Monster Tour at Milton Keynes Bowl in 1995 to promote The Bends. But then I fell out with their rapidly progressing sound as everytime I heard them on the radio Thom Yorke's voice would incur in me an inexplicable rage. Some years later though, at the recommendation of some boy who's name I can't really remember, I gave them another chance and was blown away by OK Computer. Now I love pretty much everything they've ever done and indeed I had been most excited to secure tickets for myself and OH to the Reading Festival, 2009 where they would be headlining on the Saturday.

Then I got pregnant. I got very ill and thought I might have to sell the tickets as I didn't want to have to sit on the sidelines trying not to puke and faint like when I'd seen PJ Harvey just before the Hyperemesis struck, but the sickness finally left me and we were all set. For the next month or so I was constantly listening to all the albums in preparation and I noticed that Babyzoid seemed to like the Bends in particular as she would always kick. But not in the way she kicked when she heard Bob Dylan's harmonica on car journeys. No, the Dylan kicking was pure annoyance, I'm convinced. "What the hell is this godawful screeching sound, Mum? MAKE IT STOP!" is what that kicking felt like. No, this was gentle sway-bopping, like the sort you catch self-conscious slightly older men doing at the side of gig venues.

Their festival set was amazing, though at just under 6 months pregnant I had to sit down a lot. Not such a problem - you don't exactly feel the urge to mosh to the likes of Karma Police or Fake Plastic Trees. Again though, Babyzoid seemed to quite like the loud music - in fact maybe that's where her gluey ears came from.

Anyway, little did I know that Babyzoid was less than 2 weeks from being born. Maybe she wanted to get out into the world so she could start her own mosh-pit. I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Fast forward to that fateful day when I got told to come into hospital 'just in case' I was experiencing premature labour, I was listening to OK Computer both on my commute and when I drove with my contractions the 10 miles or so to my partner's work. It kind of kept me focused as I sang along to Paranoid Android to keep my mind off the painful waves attacking from within.

You don't remember!
You don't remember!
Why don't you remember my name?
Off with his OOOOOWWWWWWWW head, man!
Off with his head, man!

Breathe. Breathe.

OK Computer was therefore the last album I listened to before I gave birth early the next morning.

I also used to listen to it interchangeably with The Bends, The Cure Staring at the Sea Singles, and the new Muse album when I was driving the hour long journey to and from Northampton Hospital's NICU. I missed my bump and it kept me emotionally connected to my fragile little girl who should still have been inside me for another 3 months. I still feel a little choked when I hear Street Spirit as it's a gorgeously sad melody anyway, but it would always come on near the end of my journey on the way home when it was pitch black and I was trying to steel myself for another night of being god knows how many miles away from my little one.

So if there's one other band that I associate with Babyzoid aside from The Cure for inspiring us to name her Charlotte, then it's Radiohead. Bit of a sob story I guess that one, but there you have it. It's a happy association and maybe Babyzoid has been brainwashed in utero to appreciate them one day. It's a nice thought.

Incidentally I'm stupidly excited that they have released a new album with no warning whatsoever. I'll be downloading The King of Limbs over the next few days. Odd title, but then this is Radiohead.

So, next time I'll be discussing the much happier reasons why I would like my daughter to listen to..... Nick Drake! Ok, so he did kind of possibly commit suicide when he was in his 20s, but let's not let that put us off!

Check out other bloggers music they want their kid's to listen to at Ghostwritermummy.

Smartipants are Goooooo!

A few weeks ago I entered a competition on Ghostwritermummy's blog for a 3-pack of Smartipants cloth nappies and I won!

I have not been asked to provide a review, either by the company or by Ghostwritermummy herself, but I am perfectly happy to share my findings with the mummy blogging world.

So, after a little mix-up with my address and then us not seeing the package thanks to the postman not telling us that he'd hid them behind a plant pot, I finally have them good to go. As you're advised to wash the nappies several times before use I've washed and tumble dried them 3 times to give them a fighting chance. And boy are they going to need to be tough if they're going to deal with what Babyzoid's bottom will throw at them.

Here is a photo of Babyzoid modelling the pants in 'Lovely Lavendar'

Don't they look cute? The real test will be overnight. Several times Babyzoid's disposables have leaked lately, including the normally reliable Pampers Dry. I have high hopes, though am slightly daunted by the prospect of scraping out Babyzoid's legendary cowpats!

Fill in the blanks...

The now hopefully sober Metal Mummy (happy birthday!!!) has tagged me in a blog hop that I think I can just about handle, even though the one I've just written took me over an hour thanks to a crying Babyzoid and a misbehaving Blogger!

So, as one might summise from the title of this blog I must fill in the blanks!

I am… perpetually knackered. No seriously, I haven't been sleeping well for a couple of months now. So much so that I have been given Temazepam. It doesn't work. Right now that kind of does define me, especially if you look into my eyes, you will likely fall into a void of dark circles. I look like a zombie, I feel like a zombie. I am dead mummy walking. But other than that!!! I am a well meaning enough person, but I am without tact. I always say the wrong thing. I can be quite witty and funny, until I go that one step too far. Then I'm thoughtless and insensitive. But I don't mean to be, honest. Thankfully Babyzoid doesn't know this about me yet. She just thinks I'm wonderful Mummy who cooks her delicious dinners and never tires of playing peekaboo with her. I love my little girl, and she makes me a far better person than I otherwise would be.

The bravest thing I’ve ever done… without doubt it was meeting some random scruffy goatee-faced ex-goth from the Internet. I told him the town I lived in, I met him at the station, and then I moved in with him 2 months later. That was pretty brave. Or stupid, depending on which way you look at it. But hey, Babyzoid is the fruit of our loins and it doesn't get much better than that!

I feel prettiest when… Ooh tough one. I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin to be honest, haven't always been, but I think it may come with age. I think when I'm happiest and healthiest and getting plenty of sleep I feel that I look my best. Right now I'm losing a bit of weight (not deliberately) and I look pale and drawn. I need plenty of make-up to be looking pretty right now!

Something that keeps me awake at night is… Finding something that puts me to sleep would be an easier blank to fill. EVERYTHING keeps me awake right now. Flashbacks, anxiety about Babyzoid, work, everything. As I've mentioned already today even sleeping pills aren't helping me sleep. Yeesh.

My favourite meal is… I cook a lot and have quite a few favourites in my repertoire but I think I like being cooked for the best. I love it when my OH goes to a lot of trouble and makes me a goats cheese starter. I also love it when we get to go out and have a 3 course meal, except I don't usually make it to dessert 'cause I'm a wuss. If I'm forced to choose one favourite it would be OH's crab and courgette linguine. Gorgeous!

The way to my heart is… Well my daughter manages it everyday no matter what she does. The way she giggles enthusiastically and yummmmm's her way through meals she loves, and the way she comes in for a kiss but hasn't quite got the art of puckering her lips yet. She is adorable. Also, I like vulnerability. When I met my partner at the station on our first date he looked a little bit scruffy but like he'd made an effort, he had sad puppy eyes and was carrying a bag that was almost as big as him. He melted my heart and broke it at the same time. I'm a bit of a sucker for a scruffy old bugger, especially if he makes me laugh more than anyone I've ever met.

I would like to be... as happy in my professional life as I am in my home life. I have a beautiful daughter and a lovely partner and I'd like to find equal contentment in a career that involves writing and being my own boss. Not bothered about being especially wealthy, I'd just like to be confortable so that we can afford to spend a little extra on enjoying our leisure time.

So, tag you're it!
Jennie of ESTWILL
Mich - Mummy From the Heart
Melanie from Memoirs of a Middle Class Mummy
Demented Vicky Ford!

5 Things That Make You Feel Good

I have been tagged by the lovely Jennie from Welcome to the World Esther and William in a blog chain which has originated from Scottish Mum called ’5 Things That Make You Feel Good, Scottish Mum says:

“I have seen lots of posts about what we struggle with, or things that we like to do, and I’d like to find out a bit more information about all of you. This is my way of doing it. I am looking forward to visiting some of you on the blog hop.”

And yeah, I just totally copied and pasted that from Jennie's site, along with the following, which is taken from Scotish Mum herself :D

What you cannot choose. The Rules are Simple

We all know that blogging/facebook/twitter is in our arena of what we like to do, so I am going to rule them out as one of the 5 that you can post about. They really are not very girly. Likewise, phones, computers, ipads are all out of the running. I am challenging myself to this, as I am really not a girly girly type of person, and I want to find that within myself. It’s not all about power suits, filofaxes, ipads and designer phones.
If you want to pass this along, pick bloggers that you want to find out more about, and challenge them to write up their 5 secret passions that make them feel good. The idea is to lift our spirits this week. The fact that there is a linky added, just makes it all the more worthwhile in doing.

Incidentally, I myself don't do designer powersuits, filofaxes or designer phones, unless you count a 3 year old Blackberry that has been dropped more times than I've changed nappies. I'm also leaving off the obvious "my daughter makes me happy" as I'm guessing that isn't what Scottish Mum meant either (I'll have to read hers afterwards!)

So here we go.

>>>5 minutes later....oh gosh this is harder than I thought it'd be!<<<

1. Music has probably always been my number one passion. It's how I met my partner, both nerding it up bigtime on music website forums, then one day he says "hey, fancy going on a date?" and the result 7 years later is one wailing Babyzoid upstairs who won't go to sleep! It's a loving and mutually giving relationship that has endured and grows day by day, much like my relationship with music really. Everytime I think I can't possibly discover something new, up pops a really great new album or band - as for the relationship, there pops up another habit even more irritating than the last! I jest, my man is a good 'un and I love him dearly. As for the music, it tends to be guitar based though varies in genre from indie, through some pretty oldschool rock, through to the heavy metal of my youth. And I really love requiems, Mozart's being my favourite.

2. My hair is finally what I consider to be long again. This is probably a really vain and shallow thing, but I don't feel like me unless it is. Doesn't matter what colour it is (and that changes periodically) but it has to be long. An evil hairdresser bloke decided he wanted to experiment on me and I've been growing it back ever since. I'm back with brunette again after a few years of blonde and then bright red throughout my maternity year. I'm definitely a brunette at heart.

3. DVDs and box sets. I adore watching films and indeed all those quality American series like West Wing, Lost, 24 and so on. We used to enjoy going to the cinema regularly but as we don't have many babysitting options, we don't get to go that often anymore. I find it hard to categorise my favourite type of movie but I love sci-fi, gangster flicks, and serious oscar-contendery type films (not sure that's exactly a genre!) My OH on the other hand likes almost exclusively Rom-coms. When we used to hire movies from Blockbuster he used to pretend the chickflicks were mine and the gangster films were his. Bless.

4. Going out for lunch. It doesn't matter whether it's McDonalds, a nice new cafe down the town, or even better a country pub, but wherever it is, I just love eating out. I don't even mind if it's on my own, myself and Babyzoid, or dining out as a family, just as long as it's not at home. Eating lunch at home is depressing, though not as depressing as eating it at work. I was born to be a lady who lunches.

5. Learning. And it's got nothing to do with being a teacher - I actually hate being a teacher. I just love learning new things - be it via the Discovery channel or by browsing subjects in book stores that I'm unfamiliar with. I've been learning a little about both Western and Easter philosophy and have a kindred spirit at my school who periodically mentors me. We have little discussions or mini-debates in his office and I always come out feeling smarter than when I went in. Along with my love of music and now of course, being a mother, acquiring knowledge is one of the key drivers in my life. So now I have to tag 5 people! So here goes:

 Metal Mummy
Ghostwritermummy
QWERTY Mum
Mich at Mich's Space
@yummymomsy

Flashback Friday

This is a photo I have chosen for Cafe Bebe's Flashback Friday, which she has kicked off today. Naturally the photo bloghop is inspired by firm favourites such as The Gallery and Silent Sunday but this is a lovely new take on it as we are encouraged to take a trip down memory lane and display old photos that mean something to us. Have to say that as someone suffering PTSD flashbacks the bloghop title has me a little on edge, but I think I can cope :)

Therefore I'd like to start with a snap taken by mobile phone on the day I got to take Babyzoid home - 78 days after she was born. The photo is taken in the room where we were 'roomed in' for 2 nights before we left SCBU for good. Babyzoid was still tiiny weighing in at 4lb 12oz, if I remember correctly!

Inferior overnight care for mothers on the NHS labour ward

Birth trauma is on the rise, but why? There are several of us blogging about it, and there are a couple of hundred thousand more who are suffering in silence not understanding how their labour could have gone so drastically wrong. Through reading other women's accounts of their own trauma what is obvious is that the mother's trauma could in nearly all cases have been avoided. Too often the mother is ignored as her concerns are brushed aside as doctors and midwives decide they know best. Whether it is because the mother is deemed 'hysterical and difficult', or because she cedes authority to those she thinks are most qualified to know what is right for the safe delivery of her baby, mothers are receiving an appallingly low level of care. Seemingly, it often comes down to control. Control over the birth process and how women are being denied this. I was very touched that an old friend from my home town shared her story with me regarding her own experience. I won't talk about any of the details as it is not my story to tell, but suffice to say her experience was not unlike my own. It shouldn't have been the frantic rush it was and it could have been avoided if she, like myself, had been listened to by those who were meant to be caring for us. There is a saying that 'mum knows best' for a reason, and we certainly know our own bodies.

In my case I firmly believe that if the day staff had still been on duty throughout the night when I suffered what I deem negligence, then things would have been so different. Sadly, it seems that I am not the only mother who has fallen foul of an NHS shift change. An article in The Guardian reported on how mothers get an inferior service when they give birth at night. My own experience, documented in my birth trauma story confirms this in my mind. I gave birth at 6:08 in the morning, two hours before the end of the night shift, so I had the misfortune to be in their care throughout those terrifying and painful contraction filled hours. Staffing numbers were noticably far lower, yet the number of patients hadn't changed. If mothers had been discharged with their bundles of joy, others had certainly taken their places. I can only be thankful for small mercies that the Doctor who was eventually brought to check on me by a reluctant midwife was extremely experienced and capable. Other women are not so fortunate as they are subject to inexperienced junior doctors (yeah we know they all have to learn!) or Doctor's so experienced (and jaded) that they have developed a God complex of sorts.

But what can be done to prevent the ineviable outcome of Post Traumatic Distress Disorder symptoms when a birth goes badly wrong? Well what we shouldn't be doing is reducing the frontline staff levels. I don't want to get overly political in my blog, but wasn't funding for the NHS supposed to be ringfenced? Claims of 'real' inflation beating increases to the health budget are not telling the whole story. How can it be when hospitals are having to close whole wards and lay off staff? Staff on labour wards already pushed to their limits during the daytime are going to be even worse hit, and the problem of birth trauma caused by negligence can only increase. I don't know what the answer is but I do know that it needs to start out by encouraging doctors, nurses and midwives to LISTEN to the mother and not overrule them.

I am now undergoing a lengthy and costly program to correct the wrongs that my experience has left me with. Nothing could have stopped my daughter coming so early, but we did not need to be so recklessly exposed to risk as we were by the attitude and inaction of that midwife and a woefully understaffed labour ward.

Listography Top 5 Movies. An error of the most serious seriousness!

This film. Actually joint number 2 behind Life is Beautiful with One Flew Over the Cuckoos nest. Knew I'd have a Kate style 'DAMNIT!' moment!!!

Aaaah, the Soggy Bottom Boys.

Listography: My top 5 films

Right, I LOVE lists! Too much. I've been on the wagon for a while now as it's a completely nerdy addiction that I managed to break some time ago, but one list won't hurt... will it?

So here are my 5, in no particular order. And I'll no doubt kick myself afterwards as I always do (see, list abuse is dangerous) as I realise I've forgotten such and such.

1. Life is Beautiful (La Vita e Bella)

It's an Italian subtitled classic. Ok, that doesn't do it justice. It's a classic full stop. Principeeeeessaaaah! It's a gorgeous tale of romance as Guido wins over his beloved Dora. It's so funny and heartwarming - and then Hitler's Germans come to town. I've written about this film before as being one of the funniest, most uplifting films you will ever see - quite some feat considering the second half of the film is set in a Jewish concentration camp. Also the only film that still has the power to make me cry everytime I watch it, being the hard-nose that I am.

2. Singles

It's not one of the best movies ever made, even though it's a Cameron Crowe classic. It has got a very tasty long-haired Matt Dillon, so tasty in fact he should have been forced to keep the long hair forever after. What makes it a favourite of mine is that the characters lives are woven round the 1990s Seattle grunge scene, a favourite musical era of mine.

3. Elizabethtown

Another Cameron Crowe film that's not one of the best movies ever made, but again chosen for his wonderful use of soundtrack., including the lovely English Girls Approximately by Ryan Adams. The road trip section of the film is fantastically built around a mix-tape and map combo that Kirsten Dunst's Claire has made for Orlando's character. I like movies that take in the whole range of human experience and emotion - love, loss, death, lust, redemption, and so on and I think this film does it pretty well. And Susan Sarandon's turn at her husband's wake is fantastically hilarious.Love it!

4. Inception

Still quite a recent film so will be interesting to see if stands up to the test of time like the first Matrix film, or whether it ends up forgotten like many big Sci Fi classics (dare I be provocative and say Avatar will fall into this category?). It's Leo, so I'm going to love it. In fact there would have been another Leo entry on here in the form of The Departed with the equally talented Matt Damon had I not remembered my 5th choice and not had the heart to delete Singles (The Departed is a FAR better film!). But Inception itself, such a literally mind-bending concept and one so clever I wish I'd thought of it. It also has the girl out of Juno in it, who I also love. There is just one thing I will note about Leo films though, if I were an actress playing his wife in any of his films, I'd be knowing that it aint gonna end well for me!

5. One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest

What can you say? Nicholson at his crazy terrifying best "Is that crazy enough for ya'? Want me to take a sh*t on the floor?"
Such a powerful film about insanity and the treatment of vulnerable and violent individuals within the mental institution. I love this in the same way I love Taxi Driver - I'm drawn to films where the central character is damaged, a little bit off their rocker and ends up unable to access normal society. Due for a re-watch methinks :)

So that's it. Like Metal Mummy, whose is the only film list I've read so far, other than Kate's of course, for fear of suggestion, I wanted to list so many more. I really could do with a top 100!

Bostik Babyzoid!

Always like to start with a good pun when the opportunity permits, and so it is that Babyzoid has failed her repeat hearing test. Yep, she has that tasty-sounding condition known as 'glue ear'. Now I feel a little bit guilty for not even having an inkling that her hearing was impaired in any way. I have to be honest, I thought she was just obstinate and defiant which would fit with her general personality. But no, poor little lamb has fluid in her tubes which means she struggles to hear at lower decibels.

Consequently we have now been referred to yet another specialist, this time Ear, nose and throat. It's ok, I know we still have the worry about her breathing and are waiting to see what happens with the referral on that issue, but these are just niggles. I will always worry, and will probably even appear to make mountains out of molehills to some because I can't get the images of my fragile 2lb froglet out of my head. But again, that's ok. I am not completely without perspective. I remember getting into a conversation with a mummy at a garden centre cafe who's baby was also premature. I was still in the denial stages before the PTSD surfaced and flippantly remarked that "it happens but you get over it". She kindly and gently disagreed with me and said "actually, I don't think you ever do" and I knew she was right. However, in real life and in the blogosphere I have come across women and men who didn't end up leaving SCBU with a healthy baby, who perhaps didn't leave with their baby at all. Following Babyzoid's hearing test I got talking to a Grandma at the toy section in Tesco. She asked the usual questions - how old? Does she eat well? Then she shared that she was trying to find a suitable toy for her 12 year old grand daughter who has the mind of an 11 month old baby due to adverse reactions to immunisations. I really didn't know what to say. She said she couldn't find anything suitable and that she rarely shows much reaction anyway but she still wanted to buy her gifts. She then said how perfect she is and how much she was loved. Such a heartbreaking situation. It certainly made me thankful for my vibrant little girl who might have an ever-growing list of ailments, but is on the whole very healthy considering.

So what can we do about this glue ear? Well, apparently it is very common, and can be eased with grommets if medication is ineffective. We just have to be careful to make sure she is looking at us when we speak to her and try and keep background noise to a minimum - the perfect excuse for less background CBeebies. See, always a bright side.

The Gallery - Togetherness

This is a photo taken on Babyzoid's 1st birthday. I've had rare clearance from Daddyzoid to publish his image, and I'm hoping Babyzoid's Grandad (my Daddy) won't mind as it's a very good photo of him too (creep creep).

This photo would be perfect if my Mum were in it also (and perhaps Aunty Di too but she lives in Holland), but it is a lovely shot of family coming together to celebrate a huge landmark in Babyzoid's life. And yes, Grandma and I painstakingly iced every one one of those cupcakes!!!

The Black Fog Monster, Part 2

I mentioned in my second reasons to be cheerful post that some days I am unable to post because of the effect of the PTSD, anxiety and depression. I have been suffering pretty horrendous insomnia over the last couple of months and this has reached epic proportions since I went to stay with my parents last week. Therefore some days I can barely speak a sentence, let alone write several that fit together in a coherent and entertaining or informative manner (depending on my mood and subject matter, of course!)

After Friday's parenting tips effort for notesfromhome's blogging carnival, which has been so well received (thanks to everyone who read it!) I have been a little bereft of inspiration. I notice that this often happens when my last post has addressed PTSD, birth trauma or worries about little one's health (the majority of my blog, then!)- namely anything I find stressful, but I feel it's important to write what I need to write about. So, this will the the first of two posts I have planned - the first being about me, the second being about Babyzoid.

So firstly, me: My counselling session late last week yielded homework (oh joy) in that I have to keep re-reading my birth trauma story every day, noting the scale of distress and anxiety I feel. Really, I'd rather have been given a tonne of quadratic equations to solve (yuck), but in the spirit of regaining one's mental health I've resolved to actually do it and not merely pretend (like those ill-fated Law school days - and no, consequently I do NOT have a legal qualification!!!)

So far, I've done it once. The result? Very anxious, very distressed. Lovely. Still, I wouldn't expect it to be any different and from rock bottom the only way is up!

Speaking of rock bottom, I think I hit it this week. I've started to have the odd, what I think is a panic attack. One in Tesco and one in the Chinese takeaway. Consequently I'm trying to avoid being in small populated spaces for the time being as deathly palour, perspiring top lip and clinging to the nearest surface with panick-stricken grimace is so not a good look when you're desperately trying not to be committed. It also makes no difference whether Babyzoid is with me or not, which obviously makes it more terrifying when she is. I've also found over the last couple of days that the sight in my right eye is slightly blurred (another reason I've not posted), which could be stress (there is a precedent for this!) or a side effect of the Citalopram after the dosage increase. It's certainly disturbing for someone with near 20-20 vision, so I'll be monitoring this closely. On the bright side (yay!) I have seen a reduction in nightmares and my PTSD birth trauma flashbacks. This is a blessed relief and I can cope with the ones I do get a little better as it means they are less intrusive and distressing and I'm able to spend a little more time in the here and now, always useful when you've a little person depending on you. It must also mean that the medication is doing SOME good.

So aside from a lovely weekend with my cousin, who I don't see that much, I've been going through what I feel is a bit of a breakdown. Again, I was told by my counsellor that I would probably get worse before I get better, so knowing that makes it a little less scary. At the moment though I can't envision going back to work in the near future, which stores up trouble for going back after such an absence, but I guess I'll just have to play that one by ear. It also doesn't help that my little darling seems to have finally developed separation anxiety. I used to feel slightly miffed that she didn't so much as look back when I handed her over at nursery, but now it breaks my heart to see her distress as soon as she leaves my arms. I know it's a phase, but it adds another negative dimension to the guilt, uselessness and despair that I'm constantly feeling. On the other hand, as I'm determined to end this post on a positive, I will say that my documented worries about Babyzoid not feeling a mother-daughter bond have possibly been laid to rest for good. She has been so loving, happy and affectionate these past couple of weeks that I've no doubt in my mind that she feels the bond as strongly as I do.

Reasons to be cheerful

Like a few of you wonderful online mummies I'm finding it hard to be cheerful this week. The PTSD-depressazoid is hammering and winning the battles with the usually cheerful mummyzoid this week, so it's hard. Bloody hard. I also promise that will be the last time I refer to myself (or both of my selves?!?) in the 3rd person - feel free to cyber-bitch-slap me if I break that rule!

Anyway, before we get this cheery show on the road I just want to thank Mummy From the Heart for this great blog hop. For someone like me who is going through a pretty rough time, it is really helpful to be challenged on a weekly basis to see the good in life and not fall into a sea of self-pity!

So, here we go!

1. My daughter is reasonably healthy and has been well enough to attend nursery this week. Normally I'd be at work but as I'm signed off with the PTSD it has given me a couple of me days, and I don't think there's a mum on the planet who doesn't know the value of those!!!

2. I've mastered Twitter! I think. I'm probably committing all manner of errors and faux pas, but I'm enjoying myself! And I'm not neglecting my baby in the process *stern looks and cyber-spit at whoever sanctioned that patronising and derogatory article in the Daily Mail on neglectful blogging mums*

3. I've spent the week in the company of my Mum and Dad. My Mum along with my partner and daughter of course, is my best friend. She is so supportive and wise (and fun!) and I don't know what I'd do without her. I wish she lived down the road, then I might be cheerful more of the time!

4. I've seen on Facebook that an old friend of mine's sister's prem baby has today been allowed home. The parents of this baby don't know me and they never will, but every prem-mum (and perhaps term-mums) will know the feeling you get when you hear about other NICU/SCBU success stories. I feel a bit weird feeling an emotional investment in a child completely unconnected to me, but I guess it's a kind of transferrence. I'm genuinely happy that the baby is well enough to go home to her family, and it reminds me of the happy time when I got to take Babyzoid home! Lovely!

5. It's sunny today! Rejoice!

6. I am actually capable of writing today. Some days I cannot write at all due to my disorder, but looky here! Two posts in one day!!!!!

Parenting tips (for the NICU/SCBU parent)

This is a submission post for notesfromhome's blogging carnival: Friday Club - Parenting tips. Links to other entries are at the bottom of this post so please be sure to read them (I've just started working my way through the list!)

As a first-time parent to a 17 month old baby girl I was wondering what advice I could possibly give to other parents. Not simply because I haven't been doing this very long, but because I haven't had a typical experience with a 'normal' baby. Looking at my little girl you would no longer guess that she had a very difficult start in life. You would never indeed guess that at this time exactly 17 months ago today she was fighting for her life on a ventilator in the NICU having been born at 27 weeks gestation.

So, with the more than half of the 78 days of my life as a parent spent looking at my baby through the incubator portholes, having to ask permission to so much as hold her, I certainly don't have advice to give the parents of newborn term babies. Nor do I feel like I've discovered anything amazing that I could share with others in the time after NICU/SCBU graduation.

But what I can offer is a simple piece of advice for the parent of a precious baby born too sick or too soon. Actually, it's more of a warning than a piece of advice. And that is, TALK about what is happening to you, to your baby. Talk to your partner. You will both be feeling emotions neither of you will have felt before and you will both need support. It might be that one of you is positive and the other is worried and anxious, and that's ok. But each of those responses needs an outlet. I was seemingly positive and everyone marvelled at how well I was coping when actually, I was just storing up trouble for later down the line. I wish I had explored my feelings with someone, anyone, instead of refusing to acknowledge them and push them deep down so that they would rear their ugly destructive heads later on.

So that would be my advice, my plea if you like. Find a confidant, be it a friend, family member, or fellow parent in SCBU who is going through the same. You can support each other from a unique perspective and make a lifelong friend. Perhaps also keep a journal. I am so angry with myself that I didn't keep a better record of our time in NICU as I now seem to have blocked some of it out. I want to remember so I can deal with it.

Seeing your fragile baby through this traumatic ordeal is going to be the hardest thing you will ever have to deal with so take care of yourself as well as your baby. You will not be 'weak' for admitting that you are struggling too.

**Note: If you read the comments below it was pointed out by Kylie that there is an excellent resource in the charity organisation Bliss. I found their literature helpful and informative, but they also operate a helpline for parents who need an an alternative outlet aside from family, friends and the medical profession. I have it on good authority that the folk on the helpline are worth their weight in gold.

http://www.bliss.org.uk/

Here are the other entries in this parenting tips carnival:

Nova at Cherished by Me shares her tips in Encouraging Children to Read.

Gemma at HelloitsGemma's Blog gives us her working mum tips in This working Mummy’s guide to life.

Maggy at Red Ted Art shows us how Baby Can Draw!

Chris at Thinly Spread gives us her Secret to Relaxed Parenting.

Cass at The Diary of a Frugal Family shows us how she teaches her children about other countries and cultures whilst having fun in America Day.

Helen at Cheeky Wipes gives us her tips in Fussy Eating.

Kelly at Domestic Goddesque shares her advice in Terrible Twos: tips for dealing with tantrums?

Ella at Notes From Home gives us her tip for encouraging children to tidy up at the end of the day.

Tiddlyompompom shares her weaning tips in her oh so helpful guide to weaning.

Mymumdom shares her tips in Parenting Tips (Me Over The Edge).

SouthoftheRiverMum tells us her plans to set up a Reward System at Home.

Not so single mum at Diary of a Not So Single Mum shares her advice on doing what you feel is best for your child and your family.

Jax at Making It Up discusses behavioural issues in a quandary in search of a tip.

Bod for Tea shares her advice on finding a 'helper' to encourage your child to do things they don't really like doing in Bunny says.

Hayley at Simply Hayley tells us about Hugs and Love.

Make Do Mum shares her stickability scale in Know Your Enemy.

Blue Sky at Looking for Blue Sky gives us some teenage tips.

The Gallery 24 Hours

Breakfast on Grandma's lap!

Destroyed Grandparents wallpaper - bad girl!

Getting provisions for journey back to the Midlands:

Mum's healthy lunch!

Leaving town after wallpaper incident!
(Never mind photos mum, EYES ON ROAD!!!)

I am looking where I'm going, honest!

Damnit! Traffic jam on the M1!

Took me an hour to get a single junction - off the Motorway we come. Food and nappy change are in order!

Sod the equally slow alternative route. Back to the M1 it is. Yes, it was light when we set off!

5 and a half hours after setting off, we arrived home just in time for bed!

I love you Grandma, but what have you done to me?

Mummy Beadzoid is on holiday and totally forgot to put her Out of Office on.

Well, I'm visiting my family with Babyzoid and haven't had a moment to myself - which is a good thing! But it means my blog is suffering. So this blog entry is coming from the iPod very late indeed.

I have loads I could talk about. The last 48 hours has seen me have two doostep altercations in two different counties - the second being on the highly controversial issue of my parents pampas grass, as well as a mysterious and downright weird contact from someone who is probably an undercover agent (ok, maybe I've seen too many US crime shows of late).

But... to do all this exciting stuff justice I need more time. Well, except for the undercover stuff. I don't intend to write about that or even breathe a word. Honest to God. And no one would believe me anyway as a current Nhs mental health services 'customer'of questionable sanity, so no harm needs to come to me, right? Um... Good.

Ha, I jest. Alas, it's not that exciting but it's not my story to tell so heyho!

Anyway, it's late, I'm on my Ipod , which is bloody hard to type on when you've forgotten to trim your nails. And I must be up early so I can take the car in for an oil change, seeing as I drove it 100 miles or so bone dry (thank heavens for my Dad and his mistrust of mine and other half's car maintenance capabilities). So, in the end this blog post has been about nothing really. I just love my blog and appreciate it's readers so don't want to go AWOL! :D

Poorly girl

There's a webcam on this laptop! So here is my girl, layed on the big settee where she has been laying most of the day (except for when she's been snuggled under my arm). Diarrhea shows no sign of abating so it's back to the doctors again tomorrow. Really does feel like our second home right now...

Music I want my kids to listen to

You don't have to look too far to see the old goth in me as many vestiges still remain. Although the PVC, crushed velvet and spiky 6 inch winkelpickers are long gone, the black to colour percentage in my wardrobe is still very high - about 85% I'd say. I've always been attracted the the darker side of popular culture, starting out quite tamely with bands like Bon Jovi and Extreme, but quickly progressing to heavier rock such as Metallica, Anthrax and Sepultura. Indeed my passport photo aged 15 shows my long lank dark hair tumbling over a Ride the Lightning T-shirt and leather jacket. I thought I looked so cool in that mean and moody sort of way. I also got into the likes of Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Nirvana and Rage Against the Machine - bands which I still listen to today. Dirt by Alice in Chains is a recently rediscovered favourite, though with my mental state what it currently is I'm not sure that's such a good thing!

When I was 17 I got in into the local goth scene. I started seeing (mostly unsuitable) boys with long black hair and leather waistcoats (niiiiiice). My musical taste took on another genre in the form of goth music and I favoured the real old school bands like Sisters of Mercy, Siouxsie & the Banshees, Christian Death and the Virgin Prunes. Some of these I still listen to (Can't beat a dose of First and Last and Always on a rainy commute)but one band that will always remain a favourite and that I would love my daughter to appreciate is the Cure.

I have seen them twice and I don't think there are many bands who can do miserable and happy interchangeably and make classic tunes across the whole of their career(ok, they released some duds too). Indeed a favourite song of theirs that only appeared as a single and later on the Staring at the Sea collection is Charlotte Sometimes, a song which both my partner and I love and which heavily influenced our decision to name our daughter Charlotte. I also used to play it in the car on the long drive back from Northampton when she was in the SCBU there. Sometimes it would make me happy, sometimes it would make me cry. But it will always mean something to me and I hope that she will like it when I play it to her in a few years time.

Picture credit

The Gallery - Shapes

After narrowly missing out on last week's The Gallery deadline I was determined that this week I would make my debut. I had a plan that Babyzoid and I would go for a lovely walk through the village with the camera to get some inspiration. Then this morning, just when I thought I'd been spared...the squits. Oh yes, I've documented Babyzoid's orificial (?) explosions on Twitter over the last couple of days (the indignity, poor girl) but now I too have had to maintain a close radius to Percy Porcelain.

So... I don't have much to offer. Indeed this is going to be the most pointless Gallery post ever, not that anyone elses have been pointless (there goes my foot-in-mouth tourettes again) but it's all I have. And I feel like rubbish and still have a tender tum, so at least it is apt. I took this whilst staying at the inlaws Fench cottage a couple of years ago - don't ask me why.

I therefore give you......

A French urinal. Hey, it's circular!

The Gallery at Sticky Fingers